Autism vulnerability in the workplace. Or… I am terrified to post this thing
Why hello there! Brett here, still talking about neurodiversity today. And I have to say quite honestly, I am so very scared to actually post this. I will get into why in just a bit, just know this isn't as easy as I'd like it to be.
Recently I posted about how I am one of the millions of people dealing with ADHD, and some of the challenges and tools I have for coping with that. I tend to talk a lot about ADHD, because I know a lot of people are dealing with it, or working with someone who is, and the stigma around ADHD is fading fast. What I tend to not talk about much is the fact that I am also on the autism spectrum.
Like many people who are dealing with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), I had a fairly good idea that Something was Wrong when I was very young. I knew I had challenges getting along with other kids, and often got confused about how different games were played, and well… a lot of general interactions. So, I would watch people playing and interacting until I could understand the rules. Once I was confident I wouldn’t look stupid trying, I would attempt to participate .
I’d like to share a specific experience that has always stood out to me. I had just started school at 5 years old, and there I was in the class play area, watching a group of kids I had wanted to play with. They pulled out something I'd never seen before! It was a giant pile of these odd brown wood pieces, with little notches in them for putting them together. For those who also haven't been exposed to this particular toy, I'm talking about Lincoln Logs, your most basic building toy. But I'd never played with them, so I watched. And watched. And I got frustrated that I couldn’t find rules to learn! I never could figure out who was supposed to do what when, and no one seemed to be talking about it either, so I wasn't able to get more clues… About halfway through play time, I got too frustrated and just gave up. I went back to my seat and worked on some stuff on my own. To this day, I get anxious at seeing Lincoln Logs even though I do understand that it was just kids having parallel play (thank you to my therapist) and there weren't any rules.
That was how I handled most of my life. I would hover on the edges of interaction and watch, trying my best to figure out how to interact with people based on the contextual clues and patterns I was studying (Side note: Do you know what is an AMAZING skill for a consultant to have practiced their whole life? Gathering and processing data purely from observation!). To say I wasn't great at it for a long time is an understatement, I was regularly targeted as one of the strange kids and dealt with plenty of bullies and trauma from that.
But I kept trying!
I HAD to learn how to blend in, how to make sure NO ONE knew I was different because I already knew how people that were different are treated. I do not exaggerate in the slightest when I say in my teen years, I would spend hours in front of a mirror practicing facial expressions, so I could smile and laugh like the Normal people, so when I was quiet people would stop asking if I was ok because of a resting … dead face. I would make plans on how to try out different types of personalities I was building to see what would work. And let me tell you, the one time I tried to be a "bad boy," who demeaned women for attention, backfired SO BAD that I don't think I talked to a girl I was interested in for months… Probably for the best for everyone. (Note – This was in High School, so bear in mind what I had seen was just teenagers trying to be cool for other teenagers. Acting like that doesn’t work, will never work, and if you think it could work - there are going to be some very unhappy people in your life.)
Eventually, I got good at it . And I mean really, really, good. Being able to mimic being “normal” is a common coping mechanism that many neurodivergent people use. It is regularly referred to as Masking, because you are basically putting on a fake face for the benefit of others. With my practice and testing I was able to pick out and put on a Mask for every scenario, a way to hide who I really am. I'm at work? Great! Time for the Work Mask, outgoing, extroverted, team player, and a natural leader. Going out to dinner to meet new people? Life of the Party Mask! This one is hilarious, tells great stories, makes sure to engage everyone so they all feel special. Time for church? Meet Mr. Holy Mask!
No doubt you get the picture, I finally was able to blend in with people and very few had any clue that I was… different. Many team members I'd worked with for years were shocked to find out that in reality I am extremely introverted, and almost always prefer quiet alone time to anything in a group. And none of them ever saw what I had to deal with after work, or after the dinner… How I would need to spend hours completely alone not even able to read, play a game, or do anything more than sit and stare because I was overwhelmed and needed to recover. How I would get short and snappy with the people closest to me because I wasn't hiding around them but was letting the stress of feeling like I had to hide everywhere else be taken out on them. It was like working two jobs, my normal work and then my job as an actor doing my best to not let anyone else know the role I was playing! A bit like a reverse Truman Show.
I’d like to share one of the unexpected pains that comes from Masking. See, I was (am) constantly terrified that someone I've gained professional respect from would find out who I really was (am), so I would avoid anything that had a risk of me not being able to keep my mask firmly in place. When co-workers would be going to lunch, I'd duck out or turn down offers because I didn't think I'd be able to switch from Work Mask to Life of the Party Mask that quickly and back without losing some control. When they'd suggest we get together after work, I'd always turn it down because I NEEDED to get home and start decompressing or I might lose control. After years of this, somehow, I was surprised to notice that no one invited me to anything anymore, and I continued to watch from the periphery while groups of coworkers became groups of friends...without me. Who knew hiding your personality could cause problems?
And now, here I am! Broadcasting to the whole of the internet deeply personal things that I have kept hidden from everyone for my whole life. Why? Because damnit, no one should have to feel like this. No one should feel the only way they can interact with the world is to pretend to be something else. And the only way we're going to make progress is talking about it.
But that isn't why I'm terrified. Over the past couple years, I've become more comfortable talking about my ASD with people I know and trust. I even spoke at an Autism Awareness gathering with a previous company. The difference with this post is I can't control who knows I am dealing with ASD after this.
And that is scary.
I have a LOT of privilege in my life, as a white man, that has helped me get where I am right now. I also have privilege in my ability to mask so well, something that many people dealing with ASD don’t have. But talking about this means I can't hide anymore and that is going to have some challenges. I'd applied for dozens of jobs in the last year and had to deal with the “Are you disabled” question. Every time I had an internal debate as to if I checked yes or no, because every time I was worried that just saying so would disqualify me. Now? Any potential employer can see my disability out in the open with just a bit of searching. Heck, these days with AI capabilities they might not even need to do much work to find out!
But I'm tired of hiding, and hiding isn't helping anyone.
I'm tired of being afraid that someone will assume I'm not good enough just because of a disability. Because you know what? I'm absolutely amazing at what I do! My disability will limit some of the things I can do, but it also lets me do many things better than your neurotypical person. And the simple truth is anyone who dismisses me because of my disability is losing out. Like the all of companies that have ignored women, people of color, other disabilities, and anything else that is easy to exclude. The research is in, diversity keeps companies alive, “easy” leads to fading away.
"But Brett," you might be saying "I never knew I could feel this way about a gazebo" … Wait, no, that’s from my “small external structures” fanfic… "Why are you posting this now? Autism Awareness Month isn't till next month!" I'm posting this because I want to talk about it. I want as many people as possible to find some way to identify with people dealing with ASD. And I would love to be able to talk to as many people as possible during Autism Awareness Month, so I figured I'd better let people know I'm able to ahead of time!
If you want someone to talk about Autism next month, I would be delighted! I can do 10-minute guest spots, panels, lectures, and even Autism Friendly Raves if needed (it's mostly just a quiet room with books… but it sounds cool). If you, or your organization are looking for someone to spread some awareness, this is my month! Please, reach out and help me feel like I'm doing my part to raise awareness for my people.
Finally, I will also be sharing a few more posts next month with some deeper dives into specific aspects of Autism in life and the workplace. Likely subjects include Masking, meltdowns, sensory sensitivity… and the desire to scream anytime someone says, “Autism is a superpower!” So, if there are specific things you are interested in hearing about, please let me know as well.
Ok, the real finally… I want to extend gratitude to my team at Inclusive Agile for letting me approach all of this at my own pace. As our core ideal is inclusivity, I let them know I was dealing with ASD early on, but have been able to take my time to discuss specific issues that I'm usually nervous to share with co-workers. And every time they have been so supportive. If nothing else, we 100% practice what we're teaching. Thanks team.